Rewriting Reality: Letting Go of Old Stories

For the last three years, I’ve been actively working on self-growth. It’s been a challenging, messy and beautiful process. It is difficult to describe the lightness that comes with shedding old hurts and living your truth, no matter what it might be. As I continue to grow, I become more and more aware of my actions and habits that don’t serve me. Yet, I realized last night that I completely overlooked something that has been subconsciously sabotaging me.

I’ve been holding on to the words of the old me. I keep telling my old story, even in my new skin.

“Do you model?”

“Oh no! Not professionally. I’ve done some little stuff, but…”

“What do you do?”

“I work with kids. I’m a curriculum coordinator for an after school program.”

Girl, what the fuck? You do want to model and you have modeled. Just because it wasn’t in a magazine doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. Why aren’t you introducing yourself as a writer/host first? This is no longer your side hustle. It’s your dream. Your job is the side hustle now; it’s the way you pay the bills. I’ve grown so accustomed to those responses, that I haven’t changed them despite my new mindset.

Stories are the tales we tell ourselves and others about who we are. They are the “party line” that we give to others about our characters, what we do, what we believe, etc.  We tend to make a determination about these things and then leave them on auto reply. They can be as big as, “I’ve always liked catering, but I could never actually do it.” Or, “I don’t like new people so I don’t go to events.” Our stories, as they’re repeated, become beliefs about ourselves. They subconsciously become/determine the standards we set for ourselves. If I keep introducing my website as a hobby or “just a little blog,” I will limit myself to that reality, even if my actions counter that. My words and actions have to be in alignment.

In the same way that we update our resumes, we have to update our stories. I had been so focused on progress, that I didn’t take the time to step back for a moment and reassess. I had to look at the growth I’ve made and realize that I had to get to know the new me. I have to decide how I’m going to recreate my stories to match who I am and who I’m becoming. Holding onto old stories is me clinging to the fear that I am not worthy of my new ones. I cannot allow others’ opinions to determine the legitimacy of what I do. If I know I’m a writer, model, host, or whatever else the fuck I am doing, I am going to go forth and boldly proclaim it.

This decision to let go of stories has also helped me to come to a decision with regard to how I deal with my mental health. In the last year, I’ve recognized that I exhibit symptoms of anxiety. Identifying that helped me to develop an awareness for my triggers and for signs that I was about to have an anxiety attack (which for me operates on a level of my emotional response and state of being more than any physical symptoms). Claiming and understanding that was a pivotal part of my growth. However, something no longer sits right with me with saying, “I have anxiety.”

With the recognition of how powerful our words can be, saying that feels like claiming it as mine. It makes me think that I am accepting or anticipating more anxiousness in my life. For me, speaking it is a way of holding on to the behaviors and thoughts associated with it. Instead of saying I have anxiety, I want to focus on speaking to my healing. I will say that I am aware that I am a sensitive and empathetic person. I will say that I am healing past hurts to improve my patience with myself and others around me. I am discovering the true meaning of being flawless as I find ways to love every part of me.

I want to stress that this is what is working for me. I am not a therapist. I would never disparage those who proudly take on saying that they have anxiety because I understand how and why that can be important. Everyone is entitled to handle their journey as they see fit. As por moi? Shedding this story is what feels like healing.

This moment, and this decision to fully let go of this old version of me is truly joyous. I have been so happy lately! And it’s for no other reason than I am just so grateful for this growth. For the last two weeks Erykah Badu’s “Bag Lady” has been stuck in my head, but ONLY the part where she sings, “Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go…” Now I know why.