Changing Paces

These past few weeks have been quiet around natalinicole. There hasn’t been a new video release and, despite consistent promises to myself and others about being sure to put up some new written content in its place, it hasn’t happened. I would apologize for that, but I recognize that the time was needed.

I have written many snatches of new content for months, yet none of them have found their way to my blog. Either it didn’t seem timely by the time I actually sat to iron it out, or I felt like my writing was inadequate, or I was just fucking tired or lazy or both and didn’t dedicate the energy. Yet, throughout this time I’ve been doing heavy thinking and digesting. I feel as though I’ve been in a period of transformation that is coming to a close and I’ve needed this last bit of energy restoration to prepare for a big boom.

Anyone who has been following me for awhile knows that this endeavor started as a way to bring you guys on my journey as I try to become my best self. Since that journey began, I have learned so much about myself and how I interact with life and it’s been a whirlwind of discovery. This time of observation and awareness (which is an ongoing process that I believe will never end) has brought me to a new phase where I’m starting to apply these lessons much more seriously.

I’ve always moved through things quickly. Speed was a necessary and desired trait. I want to understand faster, be first. This was coupled with a deep need to be included. So I would try to do everything available to me in a small amount of time. Anything you practice, you’ll get good at, so running through my life maniacally and managing to get things done became my calling card. The chaos pleased me because it allowed me to feel. The pressure of getting something done in an impossible time was the only marker that I was there. As I’ve spoken about before, most of my time was spent trying to be whatever I believed would make people like me most and want to include me. So I was present, but not really, not authentically. I was trying to stay ahead of how I needed to be presenting, weighing how much of myself I could actually reveal, listening to respond instead of taking things in. I often wonder if it’s why I sometimes struggle with memory now.

Recently, I’ve noticed things slowing down considerably. It’s almost like things are running in slow motion sometimes. I’m surprised by how much time hasn’t already passed. The shape of my thinking has changed. I have always been analytical, but I used to think around things instead of through them. My thinking would be swiftly ricocheting across a wide but very shallow expanse. Now, I feel like my thinking is more contained and burrows deeply. It takes more time, but is ultimately much clearer and more fruitful. It’s the difference between knowing a little about a lot and developing a craft or expertise. I’m ready stop trying to hold onto a bit of everything in favor of devoting energy to a particular set of things.

I’ve shed enough of the weight of false beliefs and fears to begin to step confidently into who I know myself to be. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s amazing how much more that is true than it was even six months ago. You don’t know how little you know until you know more. I’m opening myself to vulnerability in a way I never have, which isn’t easy, but I’ve been doing it enough over the last couple of years to feel pretty ok about it. What’s really gripping me with terror is changing my habits. I’m moving from the theoretical into the practice and I’m nervous as hell. I will now need to hold myself accountable to be my best self instead of allowing myself to live in ideology. This means being truly uncomfortable, not scheduling in pieces of discomfort in an otherwise comfortable lifestyle. This means letting go to make space for what needs to be. 

There are so many things I have in mind for this site. I have ideas coming to me in the most random of times and spaces and I’m so excited to bring them to life. Please bear with me as I adjust to this new way of being. With this site being a personal brand, it means that as I change, the site will be different too. I really want to develop a community with you all. I want us to interact more. I want to hear about what you’re getting from what I do. I want the online spaces I create to be places for communion, discovery and inquiry. I want to get to know you all as you get to know me–as I get to know me. I want us to journey together towards liberation. This is a rededication to moving with purpose.

I can tell you that there are a few very exciting things coming down the pipeline for natalinicole in the next few weeks! I will be making a few announcements, sharing some new projects, writing some new content and being more present with you all. I hope you’re ready! This is only the beginning.

xo,

Natali Nicole