Natali Nicole Notes: Finding Balance

Recently, I’ve been struggling with balance. Actually, I guess that’s a bit facetious since it’s something that’s loomed over my head my whole life. I think I’ve mentioned before that my father has always told me that I would need to seek balance. Being a Gemini (two sides, two people in one, two-faced…whichever your preferred descriptor), it is supposed to be expected. And it’s true, balance has historically been an issue for me. I often teeter between extremes rather than staying steady in the middle.

However, I have found that I am becoming much more stable in my personality. I don’t swing between moods as violently as I once did. I am more even keeled. I feel like I am becoming a more complete version of myself and find myself standing in the middle more than I ever have. It’s great. This imbalance I’m feeling has more to do with juggling the different things in my life—responsibilities, passions, obligations, relationships, etc. As I’m stepping forward to claim my dreams and try to follow through on things that I deem important to my growth, I’m finding it difficult to allocate time. I started this year quite regimented: gym three times a week, wake up approx. 2 hours early every day to do mediation, intention setting or work on some passion project, set work schedule (my hours are somewhat flexible), and so on it goes. It felt good to be organized and on top of everything. It became overwhelming, though, to fit so much into these neat boxes of time. I was tired, not feeling as though I was taking enough time to myself. Sure, I would watch TV with my boyfriend at the end of the night, but that also felt routine.

So I started giving in here and there. I wouldn’t wake up early every day anymore. The times I went in to work varied from week to week. I gave myself more breaks. And now I feel as though I’m falling way behind. Despite the fact that there are a few plans that I’m building towards and projects coming up, I feel as though I’m not doing enough. Hence, I’m feeling unbalanced. And a part of me knows this is my anxiety coming after me and trying to trip me up, but there’s this nagging little voice that insists this is more than that. How do you know when you’re doing enough? How do you know that you’re not slipping into complacency when you’re seeking some form of relief?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. Perhaps you, dear reader, have some insight that I would gladly listen to. However, I can share what I’m thinking, or what I’m trying to make myself believe. Balance is subjective. I cannot take full credit for that one, as someone I met recently gave me that revelation. However, what I have discovered since then is just how earth shattering that is for me. I have been waiting to meet some standard of balance my whole life, having no clue what it should look like. Now I recognize, balance is just finding what feels good to me. Balance for one person may be tackling one piece of one project at a time. For me, I know there is a bit more chaos involved. I need a little mess to make things tick. What is dawning on me now is that, not only is it subjective, but I believe it is also fluid. My idea of balance will not remain constant over time. In the same way that my life ebbs and flows with my balance has to rise and fall to meet it.

It’s funny, I have always prided myself on being flexible and adaptable. As I continue to grow, I’m realizing how shallow my definition of that was. The dynamics of life require movement and change. I need to be comfortable to move with the tide and not against it. This doesn’t mean that I am swayed heavily by all things that come into my path and have to change my dreams and ideals. It just means that I must be willing to dance in the wind, bend in the waves. My dreams and my disposition have to reasonably adapt to what is going on around me. It’s an evolution, not a costume change.

So I am feeling unbalanced, but I’m deciding that this simply requires a recalibration and not an entire inquisition about what I’m doing with my life. Everything is fine, it’s just time to do a little dancing.